Ask Dr. Mitch

Dear Dr. Mitch, my relationship has gone steadily down hill, my partner met me in a club while I was dancing and escorting so my job is no secret. Now it seems like living hell, no trust, jealousy, what can I do and is it possible to have a healthy relationship in this business?

Let’s face it folks, we’ve all been there. First you think you’ve found the man of your dreams, just like Cinderella. Can it be true?? Oh my Gosh! He’s sooo open; he (or she) loves me for me!! He doesn’t care if I do porn or escort!! He absolutely loves that I am an independent person who earns her own money, despite how.

Well, the first conversation is us telling our wonderful story of how we found sex work, and how right it feels for us. We are exhibitionists, actors, therapists, characters, always able to fuck in someone else’s scenario, which helps us draw that invisible line from our heads and our hearts, and just above our genitals. Yep, we have the God given ability to know that our pussy or cock has absolutely nothing to do with love. It’s just a sex act. An act that we get paid a fair amount of money to do, and it gives us an undeniable identity that will forgo anything else. We are somebody!! I am a star! A celebrity! And now a partner who understands! Well, I just have it all don’t I?

Then it starts, the questions, “what did you do today”? Do I tell him or not? Ok, just this once. Shit, there’s that look on his face. It looks like he’s jealous, or ashamed of what I just said. It’s called a red flag ladies and gents. Then a few days or weeks go by, and you start impressing your partner with expensive gifts. Our significant others love those gifts. Then he realizes he couldn’t afford to give you the type of gifts you give him. So the suggestions start as you realize something is going wrong.

“Okay, I won’t kiss anyone on the lips”. “Okay, I’ll only work with white guys.” Okay, I’ll only work with girls”. “Okay I’ll only dance and do photo shoots.” “Okay I’ll only do solo internet shows”. Then you notice that your money is running out.

He’s not so keen on supporting you in the custom you’ve become used to. Then, the arguing starts, the crying, the feeling that you have made a very, very, bad mistake. Then, he calls you a “FUCKING WHORE”. And if you get a very manipulative partner, he could even convince you that there is something wrong with you for being a porn star, dancer, escort, or dominatrix.

IT’S BULLSHIT!!! Don’t believe it. There is nothing wrong with you, in fact there is something very, very right! In centuries past courtesans were highly regarded, so were priestess so were mistresses, because a client knows he can always trust a good mistress.


And still can. Sex work is a blessing. If you are truly cut out for it, and find the right type of work for you it is good for your soul. You are in my opinion one of the best pubic servants on the planet. When you work you feel good, if you like what you do, and respect yourself, you will never, ever do anything you don’t want to do. That’s the key. Self respect, be good to yourself, Say no to anything that sounds new or remotely odd until you try it for yourself first. Make sure you have no regrets.

I’m not saying it’s not possible to have a great relationship in sex work, I’m just saying it’s damned hard. Here are some recommendations;

When you meet someone either inside or outside the industry, (a lot of people think that other industry members will make good partners because they “understand”). This is not always true.

The first rule is NEVER, EVER, EVER, lie about what you do. He will eventually find out, and you will feel like shit. If you have to lie about your business than you should be doing something else.

Don’t jump right into bed. Why? Because it keeps up from communicating! Give it a few weeks, and get to know the person. As a professional we know we are incredible pieces of ass, but then we tend not to talk about who we are. We are not what we do, we are who we are. Get to know the person first.

Make boundaries. Reasonable ones that you can both stick to. Perhaps you want to let your partner know when you are working, so they can understand if you come home burnt out on sex, or dancing, or touching or whatever, they will understand why. No kissing on the lips is a good boundary as well, lots of partners want at least one of our body parts to be special, maybe it’s your lips, maybe it’s your ass, what ever it is, honor it and keep it special between you two.

If things get ugly, or jealousy rears its ugly head. Go and get some help!! Not in the dressing rooms either, a professional. One who will not tell you that your primary problem is your occupation. I know they are hard to find. But if need be give AIM a call and I’ll be happy to speak with you, make an appointment to see you both, or give you a referral. Good therapists are out there, and even former sex worker therapists are out there, and worth every penny. I have seen wonderful relationships in porn, and with dancers, and escorts. And I have seen disasters.

Here is the bottom line. Make sure you are cut out for the job. Be proud of what you do. Don’t be afraid of being alone it doesn’t have to mean lonely. Be honest, have goals, make boundaries, always tell the truth. And most importantly, know when to say when. There is no need for you to be in an abusive relationship because of your job. If you are, you need to be in an abused women’s group. You would be surprised where and how abuse begins. Don’t sacrifice yourself or what makes you happy, to be unhappy.


I’m proud of my background and yes, I found a partner who in 7 years has never, ever said anything about my former porn past other than, “if that made you the person I fell in love with today, then I’m grateful for your time in it”. Healthy relationships are possible if you love yourself first. Then you can give some away.

Love and Light, Dr. Mitch